2018 | The Year of Self
You know how the Chinese Calendar works on animals, yeah well I don't.
When I was trying to work out a single word to describe my 2018- I was a little torn. I could use growth- because metaphorically I'm 7ft tall. But so much more went on in 2018 and that just didn't encompass it all.
self. (noun). plural, selves.
1. a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality
2. a persons nature, character, etc.
3. personal interest.
2018 was most certainly the year of self.
On the 18th of December last year I left my full time position in Cosmetics Retail. My freelance makeup biz was small (but growing) and as a combination of that, working full time, the craziness that comes with December and a handful of other things- I wasn't coping. I had quite literally- designed the life I was living. I chose to freelance on my days off for some extra money, and because I truly love what I do and love making people feel awesome. But ALL OF A SUDDEN, it got way too much. Something had to give and the only thing I could really leave was the job. I bloody LOVED the job, so this one was a tough one.
That decision was pretty rash at the time. I didn't think it through too much which was extremely unlike me, but I don't regret a thing. It has lead to 2018- which above all of the shit that went on, has still been my best year yet.
An incredibly selfish year. A year of self. My number one goal as my champagne glass clinked to celebrate another year ticking over was to care for myself. To make every decision for me- and to actually follow through. Not because I haven't been selfish before (oh I have) but because I knew that what I did from here was vital to my growth. If I continued to work myself into the ground (literally the floor was my bffl), lose touch with my closest friendships and float in this unaware universe of who I actually was- I'd be doing myself no favours.
I was a fresh 20 year old at the beginning of 2018 and the world was quite literally my oyster- I hate oysters but I'm glad to say I did my best at making it mine.
I've written this blog post 3 times now, so I will be dumbfounded if it goes up on time. My original plan was just a long ramble, my second was a monthly breakdown until I realised half of you don't care, and then when I read them both back I noticed there were 3 main themes. So now we are onto this draft. Hopefully this one makes it to you before Christmas.
If I had to sum the entire year up into 3 main lessons, these would be them:
Keep taking time
A lot went on in 2018. While I stand by it being my best year yet- a lot threw me. I have what people describe as a 'unique' personality. Not only do I tend to bottle up my emotions, but I take them out on the most unlikely of subjects (sorry guys lol). With a few main mountains I faced, I'm still yet to let this all out. I have NO idea when it'll happen but it will and it really needs to haha. But I learnt quickly that I have no limit on the time I can take for myself. I grieve alone, I face shit alone and I just like to be alone, a lot of the time. I took a good few weeks in the middle of the year, managed to mask it quite well on the ol 'gram, but god I needed it. More recently, things have really challenged what I think and that is something I struggle with. In a media-fuelled world, my opinion is frequently challenged and sometimes, changed. Following recent events, I have struggled to find myself and my head in a washing-machine type mess that is the comments on a recent Stuff article, or the 40+ insta stories that greet me in the morning. It's incredibly tough to have your voice heard, and to stick by what you believe in- especially if it's not the mainstream option. I've begun following a bunch of girls and guys that think for themselves and aren't afraid to share that. They let nobody else's opinion make them feel small or insignificant, because it is just that- an opinion. In a year of self, take as much time as you need for you. We're in that really awkward phase of our lives where we SHOULD be doing this and if we are not, everyone believes we COULD be. There's absolutely no schedule on this twenty something-th year. When it all gets a bit much, don't let the darkness win. Take all your time- a lot of shit isn't going anywhere.
You can't please them all
A huge lesson- learnt in parts with some still to come. I wrote in a recent blog post about how " I promise to stop shrinking myself back for someone else’s comfort. I am who I am and I will stop making myself small." Not everything I do will be everyone's cup of tea (if it was, we would run out of tea), and as I plan my happenings for 2019, I'm not actually thinking about what other people are going to want. We have this weird fixation with people that don't like us. If you can't relate to that statement- please share your secrets with me. I spent far too much of 2018 doing what I THOUGHT people would want of me. What is fun, hip, cool, stupid, cynical, materialistic and for all the wrong reasons. But I also did a lot of stuff I am proud of- and will do again- that I know some people would disagree with. I am a bloody human and going into 2019 I vow to think twice before I cross the street, but cross it diagonally if I want to.
Celebrate your small wins and remember your end goal
I've never been a goal setter- it was my pet peeve in school. "Make sure it's SMART, Specific, Measurable..." blah blah all that crap. I am however a huge believer in the power of manifestation. In 2018 I had to manifest. I didn't really have much of a choice. I am quite stubborn and don't like admitting failure, so I had to make what I said would work, work. Following a SUPER powerful manifestation (and a little luck) I managed to both get myself a) a mentor and b) meet one of my favourite internet gals, Elle Ferguson. Something about that entire trip to Sydney was just too good to be true, and came at a time I really needed some fresh light and perspective. We talked a lot about who I am, what I want from my brand and how I plan to get there. Elle's words have been vital to everything I have done since, and I constantly look back at my notes I scribbled on my flight home. It may not be much, and it certainly isn't a wild business plan or a set of short and long term goals- but it's enough for me. I've thought a lot recently about the immense pressure I (we) put on ourselves as a person when it comes to constantly doing BETTER. I don't think it's a really bad thing, but this 'more more more' approach is extremely detrimental to my mental health when all of a sudden I'm leaning more towards 'less less less'. So I'm vowing to spend a little more time celebrating my wins. And even at the end of the smallest ones- remember the mountains you climbed to get there.
If you haven't noticed already- 2018 was a big year of me. If there is one thing I regret- it's not sharing more of the downs. They'll come eventually, but in a self-obsessed, somewhat inauthentic social media controlled world, it's incredibly important to remember that it isn't all sunshine and flowers. At the end of the day, we are all on a real interesting journey- a roadie of some sort. At a point in our lives, wherever that may be, where we are still working out who we REALLY are, when you strip it all back.
So with that, I want to say thank you- in true Kasia fashion. Thanks for being a part of my roadie, and for being more to me in 2018 than you would have thought. I wouldn't be who I am right now without the immense support I have been lucky to have, and without the challenges I have faced. So I leave you with all of that- an outpouring of feelings that compiles my last blog post of 2018. And my last post on kasiastanicich.com as you know it. 2019 is going to be a huge year and to begin with- you'll see a new website. A little more me, and a little more true. I can't wait to share it with you.
Have a safe and happy holiday season.
"One day you will look back and see that all along, you were blooming." -MHN